RWBY Rants, Jokes, Comedy, and Boring Humor
by WeirdGuyOne
Summary: In which everyone has a jolly good time when they're.. Going crazy? Ah, that makes sense. Or they just get hurt really bad. Yeah, weird stories that are short as hell. Now, come and read this weird fanfiction! rated m just in case i guess Full of rants as well. This can be seen as offensive, just a warning. New Rant Out! 11-7-2018 (Cinder Rant Fixed From Block Of Text)
1. The Cardin Testicle Massacre

Sometime during the Beacon Dance, there were two bumbling idiots. Their names were Cardin and Sky. Cardin hefted his giant ass mace over his shoulder, only for someone to brush by, making Cardin smack Sky across the dance floor with the mace.

Cardin glared at the person and went to attack, only for the person to be none other than Professor Ozpin with his signature, "get trolled," smile. Ozpin easily evaded Cardin's heavy attack, and then smacked Cardin with the speed and force of a bullet train where the sun doesn't shine.

Everyone stopped dancing when they heard a crack, looking towards the middle of the dance to see Ozpin's cane imprinted on Cardin's crotch region one second, the next by Ozpin's side. Then came the scream.

Cardin screamed to the high heavens, pained as all hell.

"FUUuUUUUUCKK"

That's when there was another sickening crack, as Ruby Rose stood nearby Cardin with the blunt end of her scythe imprinted in Cardin's crotch. "SWEAR," Ruby screamed at Cardin, who was doing the best impression of a person with scratched up vocal cords trying to speak.

That was when Glynda joined in.

Throughout the dance, Cardin's testicles were constantly harassed and abused.

The moral of the story? Don't try to attack Ozpin, don't swear, don't try to sound like a mute, and don't scream in pain.

Cardin learned that the hard way.


	2. The Nightmare And Weiss's Berating

"AHHH!"

Ruby was having a nightmare.

Of what, you might ask. It is time for an explanation for this. Ruby is having a nightmare of her team dying. Yes, her entire team dying.

And that is when she realizes, it was a dream.

So she thinks happy thoughts, and the entire place turns into a wonderland of cookies.

Ruby squeals in excitement, before waking up to Weiss screeching like a Banshee. Ruby cowers into her bunk bed, before Weiss is suddenly smacked. "WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP," an angry voice yells from nearby, a masculine voice. Ruby looks outside her curtain covered bunk bed to look at the one who smacked Weiss, only to see a guy who held a passive face and was drinking from a pepsi can.

Weiss looked offended, and stomped on over, going to yell into his face, when she was pushed back by an invisible force. "Did you seriously scream at Ruby here for being childish on the first few days while also yelling at them at a pitch higher than dog whistles but capable of being heard by humans?"

Ruby looked back and forth between Weiss and the man drinking pepsi, before looking at Weiss and seeing Weiss's eyes widen in shock. Ruby tilted her head questioningly, before looking back to the pepsi guy. Who wasn't there anymore, but instead a note.

Ruby went over to read the note, and when she did, she read out loud and giggled throughout.

 _Dear ice-bitch with vocal cords louder than the White Fang protests and higher in pitch than the number of people killed by White Fang, I regret to inform you that you are a moronic individual who is too hypocritical to become the leader of the SDC. At least your father has an ounce of business talent, but you're a ruthless dictator with an IQ below 90._

 _You scream at people with talent and potential you lack, berate others for being unintelligent, and attempt to take control of all situations no matter how small. There is a good line between being uptight and being a fucking dumbass. You are on the fucking dumbass side and the uptight at the same time somehow. A good reason for me to say you're stupid is because you have the power of glyphs yet never use time dilation on your speedster, Ruby Rose. With that speed, Ruby would be fast enough to match Oobleck, and that guy goes at 501 miles per hour. I checked._

 _Now, commit die._

 _\- WeirdGuyOne, the pepsiholic and douchebag._


	3. The 'Rant' Of White Rose

"Heyo, it's me. Pepsi guy from last chapter. Also known as the author," a voice states with a voice that is masculine but not deep.

He is wearing a pepsi shirt, while having a walking cane in his right hand. He's also drinking pepsi from his left hand, taking a few sips every few seconds. His eye color is blue, his hair is brown, and he is wearing a Pepsi hoodie.

This is WeirdGuyOne. And he broke the fourth wall by existing.

He snaps his fingers, and bam, team RWBY and JNPR appear.

"Alright, I'm going to show you all a few images. Please review."

And with that, everyone sees images of Weiss x Ruby, with WeirdGuyOne vomiting in the background.

"I know this may be rude, but I'm going to say that this ship CANNOT happen. If any idiots think Weiss's actual character can be shipped with Ruby's canon character, they're dead wrong. They're not polar opposites and they have too little chemistry to be paired. Look at Weiss, a stuck-up, arrogant, and condescending piece of shit. ("HEY!") And look at Ruby. An adorable cookie monster with the genes of a Grim or Grimm Reaper if you want to make a joke, while also having eyes with super powers that destroy Grimm."

WeirdGuyOne snaps his fingers, and Yang, who was going to bash his jaw, was frozen in time, but still capable of hearing and seeing what's going on somehow. "If you pair these two together, the relationship will end before the first six months. Plain and simple. This may not be a rant for those, but it is a rant. Even though it's miniscule."

And then he snapped his fingers, everyone going back to beacon. What people didn't realize, was that he was snapping his fingers with the hand holding the pepsi. Odd.


	4. Oddity - The Alliance of Qrow And Price

REFERENCES: ADVENTURES OF CAPTAIN PRICE

Qrow was having a great day. His semblance, fortunately, hasn't gone off yet, and he's been having the time of his life.

It all started back in the Crow Bar, where Qrow got drunk. A few other people joined him, a few people wearing green versions of military outfits. Qrow knew a good drunk, and he saw one. The leader of the military men was drunk as all hell. Qrow went over, and that's when the military man took a good look, and asked in a British accent.

"The fuck are you? The Grim Reaper?" Qrow snorted in amusement at that question, before answering, "Sure. Possibly.. Just call me Qrow."

Qrow took out his flask after introducing himself and downing part of the bottomless flask. The man took a good look before introducing himself. "I'm Price. How about you and me go be annoying cunts?"

Qrow looked at Price while drinking his flask, and asked in the most serious voice, "You and I are going to get along great."

Five minutes later, the news station came up with Lisa Lavendar.

"Just about a minutes eago, two drunk men, one with a sword nearly as tall as himself, possibly taller, and the other wearing old-styled military outfits, broke into a few stores. During the stores, the entire place would get bombed, with the drunks singing. Here is our recording of the crime."

The news broadcast cut to a recording, which played audio similar to this. "WE ARE FUCKING CUNTS, WE ARE FUCKING CUNTS, EVERYBODY IN THE WORLD IS A FUCKING CUNT!"

The song continued for 3 minutes, in which entire buildings would start catching on fire randomly and places would explode. A grenade was thrown and landed nearby, the camera man screaming. The footage showed the camera being thrown away while the camera man dived to cover. That was when the footage ended.

"As you can see, these drunks are highly dangerous. If you should engage them, please have protection."

Qrow, who was watching the news with Price, snorted. "Engage us.. Use protection.. Sounds like some people want to fuck. Anyways, Price, I'm glad I met ya. Same time every few months? Or weeks? Whenever you wanna get smashed? Cool."


	5. The Way Of Life Explained By Tyrian

"Hello, children. Gather around and listen. My name is Tyrian Callows. You may know me as that one homicidal maniac for Salem. Or that Scorpion character in RWBY. Anyways, I am here to tell you the meaning of life and explain it. Now, let's find it shall we.

To find the meaning of life you must pass four steps, the first being the absolute hardest.

Yes, the first step is.. Finding hamburger meat. Now, the reason why that's the hardest is simple. Hamburger meat is the most common food! Now, when you find hamburger meat, do exactly what I do!"

Tyrian Callows is seen in a local market, looking at the Hamburger which costs ten lien!? Tyrian looks left and right, and then swipes the Hamburger. An alarm rings out as Tyrian is seen running at mach 2, speeding away from the market. He then crashes into something or someone wearing spectacles and looking old. The man is revealed to be none other than Ozpin, who was spiking the punch for the party Tyrian apparently ran through..

Tyrian looked back to see he had actually ran through several buildings before hitting Ozpin, before looking back. Ozpin was still spiking the punch, but looking at Tyrian with amused eyes. "Hello, Tyrian. Good to see you. Now, I know you work for Salem, but I need to do something important. You see, this party has a few people I wish to troll. One of them is Glynda, the other is Jacques, don't question why he's here, I do it all the time. Oh, and the last ones are Winter and Ironwood, I wish to troll them.. Now, can you hand me some dynamite?"

Tyrian looked at Ozpin with a 'WTF?' look... Then his eyes turned sharp, he turned straight (This can be mistaken for Tyrian being a homosexual before this, but I assure you, it isn't) and ran at mach 7 to a gag shop, taking all the gags, then a firework place, stole all the fireworks, and appeared before Ozpin. "No.. Oz, we can do better.. It is time to make Remnant AMAZING!"

 _ **Ten Minutes Later**_

"Well, Ozpin.. Salem was dead wrong about you. You're the best prankster I've worked with. Now.. We wait for the traps to spring," Tyrian said, hiding with Ozpin while using his semblance, invisibility, on them both. Due to Ozpin being there, Tyrian could actually keep his semblance active due to Ozpin's semblance restoring energy.

That's when Ironwood, Winter, and Jacques walked by. They walked one foot past the two invisible troublemakers, and were promptly being carried by fireworks the next second. Jacques started cursing and swearing while having his enraged expression, before all three went boom.

The ignited fireworks blew up.

Glynda walks over from the other side of the party with an angry expression. What happened next went down in history. Ironwood lost another limb, Jacques developed a fear of anything with blonde hair or green eyes, and Winter understood the reason Glynda's Death Stare is the reason she's so feared.

Ozpin and Tyrian chuckled before high-fiving.

"And that, my friends, is how you find the meaning of life. In four steps. I think there were four.. Oh, and before you say there was only one, you just gotta look at that step and look at the many other actions and steps in the story! Now, storytime over. Tyrian Callows, the homicidal maniac out."


	6. Meet Crescent Rose 20

WeirdGuyOne was walking down a hallway. He was currently laughing at Cardin Winchester's state in which happened on chapter one. Cardin's balls got smashed hard.

By hard, I mean his balls are now probably don't exist. It was like Nora being struck by about 5000 volts of electricity and then smashing Cardin's balls immediately afterwards. Oh wait.. That's what happened to the party. Cardin's voice turned to a dog whistle after that.

WeirdGuyOne was still drinking his pepsi, of course, when Ruby dashed after him. "HEY YOU! I NEED YOUR HELP!" Ruby was yelling, and WeirdGuyOne just turned around and snapped his fingers, space itself distorting and seemingly slowing down Ruby. That's when Ruby looked confused. "What did you do? There wasn't that much of a distance between us.. I guess you did help me not crash, but what was that?"

WeirdGuyOne simply answered with, "I used spatial manipulation to create a 'hallway' if you will. A hallway is a distorted version of the area that stretches distance, making it seem as if your target is more distant." That was the simple answer, as stated before.

"Now, if you will, tell me what you need help with."

Ruby looked at him with the most serious expression.. "Give me INFINITE COOKIES AND STRAWBERRIES!"

Two bowls appeared full of both, with bottomless pits of them inside. Ruby gained sparkles in her eyes, before going to thank the weird guy, who was still drinking pepsi. That was when she realized Crescent Rose felt lighter, so she took it out. When she looked at it, she didn't see much of a difference, except for the magazines and a few red rose emblems around the weapon.

So, she decided naturally to unfold it.. And it turned to a scythe bigger than her like her normal Crescent Rose, but this time, the scythe blade is much sharper, has a cookie dispensing feature, and the sniper was made from unknown metals that Ruby could tell used aura. She decided to test it out during Combat class after thanking WeirdGuyOne and hugging him.. In which he teleported out before she could hug him.

She sighed, but waited for the next day.

 _ **The Next Day.**_

Ruby Rose was an absolute monster on the battlefield now. She realized the aura features on the weapon made it practically immune to pressure itself and impossible to break even by people who can break it. Weird, she knows. That's not even the best part, the blade is sharp enough to chop any metal when enhanced with aura, something she learned after cutting so close to Cardin's balls after destroying his mace in combat with a single swipe. He immediately forfeited and whimpered in his seat, because a piece of her scythe actually touched his man-parts.

The weapon also can become like a boomerang if she pulses aura into the weapon and throw it. Her twirls allow her semblance to shoot rose petals sharper than Nevermore feathers while also having the weapon surprisingly more effective with momentum. Her scythe could hook onto a tree, and Ruby could practically manipulate the momentum to an all-time high with her semblance. She ended up punting Pyrrha through several walls during combat.

That's when WeirdGuyOne appeared, and Ruby wanted to know how powerful he was. He accepted the fight, and went onto the stage. When the fight started, Ruby went to slash, but he just evaded, even when Ruby was using her semblance to go at mach 6. He just kept dodging with ease, while drinking his pepsi still..

When Ruby thought she found an opening, she took it.. Only for her to get hooked and thrown across the arena by something. That's when she realized it was his cane. He tapped the floor with his cane, and the handle on the cane suddenly turned into a scythe. Ruby looked in awe for a moment, before remembering this was a fight and blitzing over. When she went to swipe, he jumped on top of the blade and jumped off, using the scythe blade to twirl Ruby's weapon out of her grasp for a second before it went back into her hand.

She then decided to use it as a boomerang, in which WeirdGuyOne's scythe turned back to his cane, and he hooked it during it's strafing run, making him hitch a ride with it. When it went back to Ruby, he jumped away last second, and his cane was aimed at Ruby. Ruby, confused, came to a realization of the Gods..

His cane was also a gun.

And Ruby was knocked unconscious by a gravity wave the next second.

Glynda was unconscious, but Ozpin, who was supervising the fight, understood one thing.

This man is an enigma.. Who drinks too much pepsi.

The end.


	7. Disclaimer - Not A Chapter

Disclaimer And Message

Hey, it's me, WeirdGuyOne.

Now, if you're reading this story, you might be wondering why I'm making these shitty stories that some of you MIGHT laugh at..

I personally think Cardin's testicle massacre was the best shitshow I've written.

Now, I'm going to ask for reviews for different chapters.

Also, I may be bias, but don't make me do anything with Weiss. Weiss's character is the most redundant and pathetic character I've seen. She's so one dimensional a line bests her in a fight. Her only factor of being powerful is her broken semblance which she can't even use properly.

She has the intelligence that matches the size of a snail, skill of a novice, and is pathetically weak. Where Ruby has speed, skill, intelligence, and power, Yang has power, strength, and loyalty, Weiss has only loyalty and power, and that's only because of her summons and time dilation. A rapier does jack shit to everyone in Remnant, so why use it? Also, Blake has speed and loyalty. Such a terrible character.

If I were to fully diss Weiss, she'd be a grave. Fifty feet below. Or dust. Not just six feet deep.

Anyways, waiting for some ideas to do.


	8. A Chapter Of Beginnings

**Dust Shop: Dust Till Dawn**

A guy we all know from previous chapters, WeirdGuyOne, the author in a physical form with soda, appears besides Dust Till Dawn. No more than two seconds later, a red blur is seen going through the window with another darker red blur. The darker red blur landed on the floor first, with the red blur appearing on top. They were revealed to be a wannabe gangster and an adorable girl.

"Huh. Now that's what a scythe is.. Hey, are you a fairy tale character?" The girl looked towards where she heard the voice, only to see a man with his description from an earlier chapter I think I gave out, along with his signature cane and pepsi can. He is drinking from it, and that's when Ruby decides to question him.. "Fairy tale character? .. Me?" The guy only nodded, then threw a book at Ruby. It was revealed to be.. "Little Red Riding Hood" which was a fairytale book.

Meanwhile, Roman Torchwick and his goons were watching this exchange before Roman just silently told them to attack. Several goons charged at WeirdGuyOne, but he just side-stepped each attack, before countering by shattering their wrists. Ruby, who watched this, went on alert, avoiding a few attacks herself. She then spun around and basically uppercutted a guy, knocking him out cold instantly. "Hey Red Riding Hood, I'm WeirdGuyOne, but call me... Hm.. Can you give me a name? And what is your name?"

Ruby just looked confused while fighting, as she's knocking out her own enemies, where WeirdGuyOne is just still looking at her talking, somehow evading the enemies' attacks with ease.. Maybe it's his semblance?

That line of thought was immediately cut off as soon as WeirdGuyOne's hand glowed, and gravity distorted. Every enemy, even Torchwick, started to shake. A nearby goon fell unconscious, where WeirdGuyOne explained to Ruby, "This is a gravitational effect.. Basically a way of knocking people unconscious without needing to hit them in the head.. And you still haven't told me your name. I'm also going to go by the name John, kthx."

Ruby, who was in a stupor, snapped out of it. "Oh, I'm Ruby! Ruby Rose!" 'John' looked at her, before saying, "That fits too well. So, Ruby, why is there a dominatrix on top of the roof glaring at us?"

'John' looked on top of Dust Till Dawn, with Ruby following. True to his words, there was for lack of a better term, a dominatrix. The dominatrix dropped down, and the screen turned black.. Only for it to reappear in an interrogation room. 'John' looked around, "Oh hey, it's the dominatrix lady!" He pointed to the direction of green eyes in the darkness, who stepped out to reveal, "My name is Glynda Goodwitch, and you two are in trouble."

'John' looked at her for a moment and then to her weapon. "Uh. Why are you using a Riding Crop? What type of fucking idiot uses a riding crop as a weapon? And how did we get here?"

Ruby, who was previously cowering behind 'John' sat back down when Glynda death stared 'John' with the force to make most men cower. 'John' just drank from his pepsi, before flipping her off. Glynda then went on to lecture mode, "you two have caused major issues. If it were up to me, I'd drop kick your asses." John flipped her off replying, "Doesn't seem like it, it seems like you want to rape us, and how would you drop kick us? Your breast size would probably make you fall flat on your face." And with that, Ruby started laughing. Glynda again death stared John, before continuing, "but someone wants to see you.." She said this in gritted teeth, before moving aside.

Then an old man came in, leaned up to Ruby, and said, "Ruby Rose... you... have silver eyes." Ruby, feeling uncomfortable, leaned back. John, who was watching this, said immediately, "stranger danger." Ozpin leaned back while Glynda once more glared, then Ozpin continued, "so, where did you learn to do this," he said, motioning towards his tablet that recorded the fight somehow. Ruby answered, "Signal Academy.." in which Ozpin responded with, while making a bunch of cookies appear on the table because he didn't walk in with any in this story, "I only know of one user with this skill using a scythe, a dusty old crow.." Ruby started devouring cookies, while John drank his pepsi still, watching the interaction, before speaking, "A bird can do as good as Ruby? Woah." Ruby then explained to John, "no, that's my uncle Qrow" with her mouth full, before swallowing and repeating. "Oh." John stated.

That's when Ozpin asked, "Anyways, what's an adorable little girl like you doing in a school to fight warriors?" in which John yelled out, "PEDOPHILE!" and threw a brick at Ozpin. "WHY IS THE WIZARD OF OZ A PEDOPHILE?!"

And thus, began the miraculous tales of John AKA WeirdGuyOne..

Jesus christ.


	9. More Mature Themes This Chapter I Guess

Not even the most advanced people can understand why he exists.. His name is.. I don't know his name actually. I just know he's a bloody retard.

This midget son of a bitch once made penguins fly. That's impossible, but this absolute psychopath somehow made it work. He was a great mind, a genius. He called everyone else retarded.

Then John, aka WeirdGuyOne came and outsmarted him. You ask how he outsmarted him, and I'll say.

He outsmarted him by.. Throwing gumballs and making the guy fall.

"Okay, I'm not going to lie, even I think this is getting repetitive," WeirdGuyOne said, before glancing towards me.. And I'm not even in the god damn universe, I'm just observing! How dare you, my creation that was basically me!?

AH FUCK, HE IS THROWING SODA CANS AT ME

SAVE ME FOR FUCKS SAKES.

 _ **Five Minutes Later**_

Now that he's done throwing shit, we can go back to making terrible stories with trash humor. A few people would look at WeirdGuyOne's way while he was walking somewhere.. Wait, what happened to the original story..?

*Looks up a bit.*

Then John, aka WeirdGuyOne came and outsmarted him. You ask how he outsmarted him, and I'll say.

He outsmarted him by.. Throwing gumballs and making the guy fall.

Oh.. right. Anyways, John, or WeirdGuyOne, made the guy fall. He then teleported and did the best thing to ever exist and why the fuck am I hyping this up when you know not to get your hopes up anymore?

Well because he used his trap card! Sans Fanbase! OH SHIT!

Sans Fanbase makes Sans fangirls attack a person while throwing rule 34 of Sans at them. It deflects every attack, making it 900% more. It also instant kills a random person in the world.

 _ **Meanwhile, in The White Fang**_

Grey Saber, the old [Deceased] White Fang Lieutenant before White Fang Lieutenant, was negotiating with Sienne when he fell down dead. Sienne looked at Grey Saber before voicing her thoughts. "What the fuck?"

"Oh well. Time to hire another one.. But who the fuck killed him?"

 _ **Back to wherever**_

John was currently playing Monopoly. His enemy, a random guy named Joe who called himself the smartest man in the universe, was losing. Badly. The dude had no money, property, or anything. He didn't even know how to use cards, he stuck them in his fucking mouth.

"So, uh, retard.. How are you?" John asked. Joe looked at John, before attempting to punch John. John kicked Joe in the balls while evading the swing, "Hey, bitch, don't attack me? That's assault! AND THIS IS HARASSMENT!" John yelled at Joe, before jumping up and then speaking at a speed Oobleck could dream of, "YOUSUCKDICKMOTHERFUCKERBURNINHELLYOUPROBABLYHADSEXWITHHILLARYCLINTONWHILESHEWASRUNNINFORPRESIDENTTHANKFULLYNOONEGIVESASHITABOUTYOUBUDDYANDWHOTHEFUCKISHILLARYCLINTONTHISISREMNANTRIGHT?WHYTHEFUCKDIDISAYHILLARYCLINTON?!" which was spoken in light speed, again, a speed Oobleck could only dream of.

Heck, I had to use the most enhanced translator which is far too advanced for even reality to understand this dude. Huh.

Back to the chapter.

"No way.. Mexican burritos!" Wait.. Where are we? The fuck? Remnant's Mexican section? Woah.. A lot of taco stands. Such a weird place in my eyes. Do I have eyes? Do we exist? Wow, this shit is deep. Deeper than life's meaning..

Again, back to the chapter.

"So, who's the guy who had sex with a bear?" Oh.. We're at a bar, and this grizzled guy raised his hand. And now a Russian is kicking his ass while John watches. The Russian is a female and is currently.. OH SHIT, NSFW! NSFW! I REPEAT! NSFW!

RUN AWAY!

John, aka WeirdGuyOne, disappears.. The screen fades to black, going to another scene. This scene being a depiction of Jaune.. Who is looking at everyone like they're aliens.

Oh, they're green. That's why. TO ORIGINAL RWBY!

And John went back to the original RWBY and paired Jaune and Ruby together to make his OTP happen.. His OTP sailed, and he got to record them having sex..

And they never knew.. But they did know he made animation porn of them somehow. He only got found out after 3 years.


	10. updatenotice Story Time Part 1

**Hello, it's me, WeirdGuyOne. This chapter is a bit of a weird one. If you want me to do a Story Time arc with two stories each, vote on the poll I'll be posting on my profile I guess.**

 **The poll will last a week I suppose. Not enough fans for anything more. Now, here is the story time arc's stories.**

 **Done**

 **Weiss's Punishment**

 **Renora Sailing**

 **Lancaster Beginning**

 **Jaune's Pizza**

 **The Nikos Commercial**

 **John's Ideas**

 **AND MORE I SUPPOSE.**

 **I just know there'll be at least 10 stories and they will most likely be done at some point. Anyways, story time! Oh, and before anyone tries to comment and say White Rose is a perfectly okay ship, I'm going to immediately point out, Lancaster is the best ship for Ruby period. Arkos itself died out and had little meaning as a ship due to it being just a Greek myth. The myth? Love at first sight.**

* * *

Walking throughout Beacon Academy was John. Who was bored out of his mind.

"I wish you a merry Christmas and a happy new year! HEY EVERYBODY! DID YOU KNOW THAT RELIGIOUS BELIEFS AT ONE POINT ASSISTED IN KILLING 2/3 OF EUROPE'S POPULATION? THAT'S WHY WE DON'T BELIEVE IN USING ALCHEMY TO CURE DISEASES ANYMORE! WELL, PART OF THE REASON.. And we don't smack sick people with bibles and expect them to heal. Same thing with crosses."

Yeah, John was slowly going insane while spewing out random facts that were found out by common sense on Earth.. While he's on Remnant. Heck, even Nora is looking at him like he's crazy. Ren's wide-eyed staring at him.

"HEY YOU! FATASS!" John was yelling at Cardin Winchester, resident school bully. Guy who got his balls smashed during the Beacon Dance. Yeah, that was particularly funny to watch. Cardin hesitantly turned around, and with a shaky voice responded, "Yeah..?" John walked over, Cardin flinched, and then John fucking hurled Cardin across the cafeteria. Cardin hit about four vending machines before falling unconscious.

"Anyways.. Now, what some people might not understand unless they look at how many chapters I've posted.. I've been practically rushing these. Now, my excuse is that my ideas don't last that long. Yeah. That's my excuse, what you gonna do? Bash my skull? Bitch please, I heard worse threats from furbies and rightfully so. Furbies are demon dolls!" John yelled out into the middle of nowhere, well, that's what the characters thought. They thought he was going insane, but he wasn't. He was perfectly fine.. Totally. One hundred percent. What we see is that he's yelling at us. Wowza. What a bitch, am I right?

"I HEARD THAT MOTHERFUCKER! IMA SLAP YOUR ASS STARTIN IN FIVE SECONDS. BETTER START RUNNIN, BITCH!"

no pls dont hurt me im innocent AHUGHR FUCK HELP PLEASEGODNOhytiRhyitrht

Hello, I am the new narrator. The last one was a fucking retarded person who stole my job for a few minutes. So I'm technically not new. Now, back to the story. We see teams RWBY and JNPR slowly exiting before John seemingly teleports behind them, and smashes stories of them with some interesting scenarios..

Let's see what the reactions are..

 _ **The Cube, where Teams RWBY and JNPR are stuck in. A giant cube literally floating in the middle of nowhere.**_

John cleared his throat to read the 'stories' that he made. He looked at his audience, who were all binded to the walls. "Alright, I am John, or WeirdGuyOne. What a pathetically stupid name. It's like the guy couldn't make any good names when he made his username. Oh well. And I'm a pepsiholic. Obviously. Now, time to read the first story I made.. By first story, I meant a story inside a story, and only the readers can understand what I mean. Now, let's get started.

Now, Weiss, I'm not sorry. Your stuck-up personality honestly makes it impossible to truly be your friend. The writers of RWBY fucked up your character so hard because of how trash it is. Not even Ozpin's character is as bullshit as yours, and Ozpin has thousands of years of experience yet dies to Cinder.. Somehow."

Weiss was fuming during his speech, before he picked up a white book and started to read with a Russian narrator accent.

 _It was a beautiful day. Except for the fact there's a banshee screaming in my face. I bitch slapped her to shut her the fuck up and walked away. She started screaming at me again so I pulled out my 44. magnum and started firing. I yelled, "DIE YOU FUCKING BITCH," while firing, and then finished it with, "I HOPE YOU CHOKE ON YOUR OWN VOCAL CORDS YOU PIECE OF SHIT! YOU SCREAM SO LOUD IT CAUSES POLLUTION!" That's when the banshee started screeching more trying to attack me. I kicked it in the leg._

 _Oh, and if you didn't notice, the Banshee was just Weiss. I just called her banshee. She started clawing me, so I immediately went into rage mode. "YOU FUCKIN' PIECE OF SHIT! I'M GOING TO BASH YOU TO THE GROUND!" That's when I grabbed Weiss by the arm, threw her to the floor, kicked her Rapier back to her while it was scrolling through dust, causing an explosion, and then pulled out my magnum and took aim. I aimed for her shin and fired. It immediately caught fire. I then throw a kunai strapped to a rope at her which hit her shoulder, repeating one of the most iconic moves in history, "GET THE FUCK OVER HERE!"_

 _Which was an actual Scorpion quote from one of the mortal kombat games. Unlike Scorpion, though, I didn't pull her towards me, I started spinning. This caused the kunai inside her shoulder to start wobbling out, and when it finally cut free, half of her shoulder was cut open. I kept spinning, though.. And after she finally got her rapier, I let it go, but grabbed the rope last second. What happened was quick, Weiss's arm was pierced through, and I used the rope's momentum to let myself do a Spider-man swing kick._

 _I implanted my feet into her jaw and shut her the fuck up._

 _And that was the tale of How I Got A Banshee To Stop Screaming._

When John was finished reading with his narrator voice, he set the book down. Weiss was seen with something stopping her from emitting sound around her neck. "Thank god I put that on before reading, you'd be screaming your lungs out literally." Weiss' mouth was moving in curses. Then John picked up another book. This one was colored green and pink.

"Now, Ren, you're a chill guy, but you and Nora make a great couple. Here is the story about the two of you.." And then John started reading again.

 _Nora and Ren were always great partners. They did a lot of things together, even pranking Pyrrha. Many do not know this, but Ren is a prank master due to Nora demanding him learn. He is known as the Ninja Prankster because even Blake can't detect his presence. Now, Nora is something else. Nora is the eccentric Pancake Queen_ ("YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT!" - Nora) _and the strongest in Beacon Academy. She's only the strongest because of her semblance, otherwise it would be Port, Coco, or Yatsuhashi. Anyone who thinks otherwise is an idiot as Nora has no apparent limit to her semblance; however, she will be easily fatigued after using too much._

 _Anyways, time to cut this chapter short. Ren and Nora have been together basically forever. They always have a good way of listening to each other. Ren is the calmer of the two, obviously._

 _Anyways, time for an abrupt end. Sorry! *Not sorry at all, why would I be?!*_


	11. Offensive? Probably

**Hello, as of me writing this (one day later) the poll is progressing greatly!**

 **Now, here are the results so far!**

 **Yes: 0 Voters**

 **No: 0 Voters**

 **Absolutely wonderful.**

 **Oh, I'm sorry if you think this is sarcasm. This is actually what I expected to be honest.**

* * *

John was interested in the development of slime.. Just kidding, he thought it was a stupid fucking idea kids made for no reason. Heck, he doesn't even understand why people care about it. There was such an idea as entertainment, but can't they just watch youtube? Slime is pretty weird, and kids thought of it as a legendary artifact.

John then remembered this was 2018 and it was still mixed with 2017 and had 2017 modern rap.. Modern rap in general is terrible as all hell. What type of fucking song just says "gucci gang" the entire time? A terrible song. Yet it got popular. Then we have these rappers who don't know jack shit about rapping.

The new rappers aren't great. Great is someone like Eminem who puts actual emotion in the song with lyrics and references people can actually enjoy. Not a song that can barely be heard and too simple to be classified as enjoyable by the standards of average people. People, not children. John still swears that nothing can make sense without having the rare species known as a "smart human" nearby.

And even then, there are too many idiots in one gathering to actually overpower that one "smart human" in the vicinity. Now that he thinks about it again, why is he talking about real world problems? Because he can! And the fact RWBY is not as good of a story maker and that this story is going to be half RWBY and half him ranting!

Heck, this story was started and it was started during a class period! What a fucking stupid way to start a fanfiction but then again, strokes of genius don't exist, it's just luck.. Or is it? CONSPIRACY THEORY!

Or rhetorical question? Oh well. Anyways, let me rant about something else. Oh right, I just changed the POV from third person to John. John is me but not my real name. I'm not dumb enough to hand it out on a fanfiction story. Like why the fuck would I do that if I semi-value my privacy.

Oh, and here's a review I made that's a rant about Ozpin and Cinder.

Looking at Cinder's character, we can tell that she only knows how to use flame. She's not like Raven who's smart enough to branch out the powers to have an advantage. It's strange, really. Cinder is technically a middle-aged woman who works for Salem and somehow bested Ozpin who has thousands of years of experience, thus giving him mastery of using his cane as a weapon, mastering aura control, mastering combat skill, and much more things because he's been living for thousands of years. How Cinder bested Ozpin? Bullshit, he didn't even use his semblance in the fight or his definitely gigantic aura.

Why am I saying his aura is gigantic? He's merged with thousands of souls, simply put. He, by himself, could best Hazel in his Headmaster body so quickly. He was a Warrior King as well, so he's a master tactician. He is capable of adapting to any flow of combat, as seen when fighting Cinder, and is the 'youngest' headmaster of Beacon Academy. That alone should prove how insane Cinder was fighting Ozpin, but coming out victorious? Bullshit. Cinder would be defeated in less than ten seconds.

Oh shit, I've reached my offense limit for this chapter. BYE, SEE YOU LATER GUYS!

Also, I have shitty writing skill yet this one guy actually says I have an eye for detail. I won't lie, it served me far in ranting. Not persuading idiots, though.. Dear lord, those Justin Beiber fangirs/fanboys when I started roasting the guy alive once publicly when he was relevant.. I still have anger spikes. Anyways, until next time!

Sorry for not having a chapter put up yesterday.


	12. NOTICE

Hey, this is sudden. The White Rose vs Lancaster Shipping War is being moved to the story of similar or same title.


	13. Cinder Fall Rant

John appears in the middle of a small warehouse. Inside the warehouse, Cinder was ordering Roman around. Time and space dilates, showing Cinder this time killing Amber. Once again, time and space moved. The scenery around John would always change like a very lazy and easy teleport.

The scene changed once more to Cinder's fight with Ruby at the CCT and then to when Ruby and Glynda Goodwitch fought Cinder.

The scene changed back to Cinder meeting Ruby Rose at Beacon and then to smirking out of Ruby's sight. John's eyes glanced left, showing a camera that was recording Cinder's face and showing her evil intentions clearly shown in her eyes. The scene changed again to Cinder's fight with Ozpin. John looked up to the screen, "This is a very stupid fight. Ozpin somehow loses yet," the scene changed to when Ozpin was basically explained to be thousands of years old. "The only logical explanation is Ozpin let Cinder win. Cinder's not too experienced with the maiden powers," John states while the screen goes to show Cinder's usage of the maiden powers.

"She only uses fire. An arsonist but with less intelligence than true arsonists. Why?" The screen goes to where Cinder combats Ozpin, "This. Ozpin is basically known as a prodigy and Cinder works for Salem. Cinder would know Ozpin is thousands of years old, thus has enough combat experience, skill, and ability to destroy her. Pride may be something she has, but even she would know not to fight him."

Then, the screen changed to where Cinder fought Pyrrha Nikos, "This scene makes even less sense. How could Cinder defeat Pyrrha? The most skilled first year and has basically a full aura while Cinder has less than half? Don't tell me Cinder has half her aura, she was fighting Ozpin only a minute earlier and he was blitzing Cinder. The thing about Cinder is that she also used a lot of her power on Ozpin. She'd be tired and wouldn't stand a chance against Pyrrha."

Then, the scene changes to her battle with Jaune, "Her incompetence also stems from the fact she likes to toy with her prey.. This is the ONLY time she's seen truly toying with them. She couldn't afford to toy with Pyrrha or Ozpin, she'd get demolished. Heck, Cinder at half power couldn't even hope to stand up to Glynda Goodwitch in a one versus one, how could she hope to beat Ozpin at full power?"

John then turns around and shows operations. "She didn't even do anything. Cinder's not a villain, she's a pathetic whelp who takes the role of boss because she only has power. No intelligence, little strategy, and amateur skill. She strikes fear, sure, but she can't do much without lackeys. This is painfully obvious. Look at Roman Torchwick, he's a TRUE villain."

John then summons his cane and stomps it onto the floor. "Look at Roman. His fighting skill is better than team RWBY combined and he could even solo Pyrrha Nikos in a battle. There's a good reason to that, too. He relies on his wits, skill, experience, talent, instinct, and even charisma. Psychological combat is extremely effective, especially if you're a master like Torchwick. Not only that, but Torchwick's main choice of weapon is a cane that fires flares, which Polarity would have a hard time holding. Pyrrha may be a prodigy, but Torchwick is also a villain who has basically avoided huntsmen and police for years."

John then teleports once more, showing the battle with Raven and Cinder. "Now, this is the main point in time where Cinder loses badly. Why? Raven explained it. Now, we see Cinder get turned to ice after suffering a devastating loss. Apparently," the scenery changes to show Cinder surviving.

John then stops time completely in a fit of annoyance. "This pathetic piece of fucking shit makes no sense. Why does such an incompetent villain live when she has barely anything to contribute to the story anymore? All she ever did was give vague orders and nothing else. No reason for her to survive, so why does she live?!"

John then continues on his rant, "She was even frozen solid during the fight, something that would have KILLED her. She had no aura left to use and she exhausted her own power. She then fell into water. Hypothermia already killed her and her body was in such a weak and frail state that hitting a jagged edge of a rock would have shattered her torso into different pieces. The amount of logic that must be destroyed just to make a villain like this when you had a perfectly good one you killed off like an idiot must be fucking abnormal!"

John then started shouting, "This pile of shit could burn for all anyone cares! She's incompetent, simple as that. She's too stupid to be a manipulative villain and she's too hurt to survive. How the fuck does she live? Plot armor is something that should be given to those that deserve it, not people like Cinder. She has too much plot armor and is too incompetent to be written well."

John then walked up to the screen and the scenery changed back to the Beacon Academy roof while time resumed. "I could go on to say much worse about her, but RWBY needs to know when to properly nerf a character and buff one while also lowering the amount of ass pulls."

* * *

I wrote this because I was frankly annoyed at Cinder being alive. I'm tired of RWBY doing major ass pulls and completely ruining its own logic.

WeirdGuyOne out.


End file.
